It’s been a week of learning. I’ve finally realised that I’m a garden variety human, perfectly broken yet whole in every way, what a dichotomy! It’s taken a long long time but I’m finally finding comfort in the skin I’m in right now, it’s a fluid process though and I’m grateful that every question I’ve ever asked myself can be answered again and again without ever being wrong.

I learn things the hardest way possible generally. If I’m on my knees, a knife of shame gutting into my belly, a bloodied corpse of a soul slinking into the shadows, ego battered into the dust…that is the moment I become open to trying something different. How annoying!

Whether it be my constantly evolving gender identity, my spiritual path, my physical connection to my body (particularly bits that are in pain), my mental and emotional state, my behaviour, my ego, my anything and everything I need to uncover, always comes when the pain of keeping my head in the sand becomes greater than the process of shaking myself clear of the desert I’ve wandered into.

What I’ve learnt this week is simple; relationships that end badly hurt like hell. My experience has taught me this; two people who try their hardest at making it work, who’ve given it their best shot, who earnestly wanted it yet are simply not made for a coupling will ultimately bring out the worst in eachother. That two people in a constant state of trigger will behave poorly and I’m no exception. I may claim self awareness in my sobriety but the reality is that I plunder and stomp and hurt myself and others all the time! I make mistakes and have regrets, I can have sharp edges and sometimes I’m a downright prick…all of this and more because I’m a flawed human. Furthermore…it’s all ok because I’m not alone, I can own my shit, take responsibility for my part in the horror and do what I can to make it better…which is sometimes to do nothing at all! How brilliant that as a human I have the capacity to learn how not to keep making the same mistakes over and over expecting a different result (did someone say insanity?). How sad that this capacity can only shine when my self esteem is in direct proportion to the way those who love me see me, not the way I can see myself sometimes.

What I’m discovering right now is that relationships don’t have to be that hard. That despite my (and your) bad bits we can make it work because we are on the same team. I’m inspired by the possibility, overwhelmed by the potential to just be whatever version of myself I wake up to be…and for that to be ok.

Every person will hurt others, everyone brings pain, offers mistakes and the potential for savagery. The beauty and bliss is found in the relationships that are worth every ounce of darkness for the multitudes of light that follow.