It’s such an immensely fascinating ride of a life I’m on. Some time has passed since I last found the right words to honour this space but as I lay here in the midst of a sleepless night I sense their bubbling and tumbling…so thus it starts.

This time last year I was in the deserts of India. Flung into the wildest of places under the guise of a head shaved lady. I’d left a boy on a mission, stumbled and embraced myself into a someone in between and have arisen to dust myself off a man.

I’ve found myself anew at least a dozen times this lifetime and I’m sure there is plenty more to unravel.

This newest and most immediate chapter is the biggest yet, perhaps each new turn of the page has been the Biggest Yet though so I can’t help but wonder what will manifest once this bit has resolved itself.

When I say ‘resolved itself’ what I mean is when my transition is complete. My journey from She to He has been a long one and after such analysis and enquiry I finally started medical transition three months ago.

Testosterone….the new fire in my belly, heart on my sleeve, hard-on in my trouser, muscle, sinew, whisker…

I’m re-learning all the important stuff I learnt and felt so sure I had a grasp on, my emotional processing has changed frequency and I’m still unsure of where the dial is to adjust to Good and Acceptable…I’m a new 31 year old teenaged boy on fast forward but I reckon I’m doin’ alright.

So here is a list…I’m fond of these if you recall:

1. Testosterone changes my ability to respond to life in a healthy and appropriate way. This, however, does not license me to be an asshole, a pig or a prick.

2. Anger is a natural emotion that brings immediate understanding of what needs to change. It is an amazing discovery to realise that anger does not actually need to hurt myself or another.

3. Shaving is sexy. Wearing spectacles are also sexy. Shaving whilst Not wearing spectacles creates no sexiness…only pain and blood.

4. Pretty much everything is sexy (primarily my girlfriend though of course…hi Katy!)

5. Blaming Testosterone for volatility, angst, moodiness and general brooding is a cop out. Seeking therapy is excellent and helpful if I am to continue wanting positive interaction with anyone in the world.

6. Being called ‘Sir’ for the first time ever is thrilling. Being called ‘Sir’ by a manly tradie may produce a shrill whimper of joy…This was a definite manfail but was undetected by said manly tradie.

7. Being in the ladies toilet when a woman walks in, looks quite shocked upon gazing upon me, checks her surrounds, stares again and then continues to her cubicle is AWESOME!!! Interrogating her about whether she read me as a boy and then punching the air with hooray upon her confirmation of this fact is probably not very manly…right?

8. The Coogee Ladies Pool will no longer be available to me next summer. This is a great sadness but one I celebrate as a marker of my transition. This is a safe space for women identified folk and I am definitely no lady.

That’s enough of a list for now!

I stare into the mirror and am struck by the physical changes. My face has squared, my jawline juts, my voice has begun it’s husky and hilarious descent and my chest and tummy now itches; moments away from fur. My whiskers are blond and not so whiskery yet I’ve got hope for a shock of moustache in time for next Movember. My biceps burst from my shirt sleeves and widen the eyes of friends as I show them off, my shoulders broaden to bear the weight of this new world.

The growing pains as my body creaks itself anew wreak havoc; my neck, my wrists, my thighs, my back are all crying out under the strain of a changing body. Note to self: Take it easy bear or you shall break yourself!

And then there are the boys. A community of those who choose to chisel a round peg into a square hole, a band of gents who stand together like we did when we were kids showing off new muscles, new hair, new anything and everything. I’m grateful to you all and would be lost without you.

So to the rest who would judge me harshly; I earned my place on this ride and there is so much more to explore. I’m new at this but I’m learning so be patient whilst I grow into the guy I’m meant to be…

Until next time…be well.