So it’s been a while since I spoke here hey? I’ve been saving this one up in my mind, marinating over the possibilities as time has ticked by. And here I am, 6 months on and my life has flipped and fumbled and begun (yet) again.
What a ride it is too, it’s hard to imagine how anyone could prepare for the process of medical transition. The journey from one to another, and the middle limbo’d time in between where the new seems to have sharp edges and the old begins to blur against the mirror’s reflection.
I’ve been recording my process on video and posting them here. I know that if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t see any physical changes! The reality is really quite different, so I thought I would write a list…because I do like a good list:
A bear is born – a list
- Kneecap fur, not something I ever considered. Why don’t women need kneecap fur, why do men need kneecap fur…?
- Armpits…wow! I smell like a beast (and I LOVE it!)
- My pee has begun to absorb the characteristics of a urinal
- Did someone say Massive Cock?
- My voice has changed significantly. Barry White here I come!
- Muscles muscles muscles! My arms are getting really big! My back muscles are rippling(ish), my legs are solid as and my abs are outrageously…flabby! I hate doing ab work and it’s seriously evident!
- My hunger for both food and booty have increased by about 100%! If I don’t eat I get super grumpy, I have to eat a heap more protein and I’m jerking off more than I thought was humanely possible! (hi mum!)
- My jaw-line has squared, my forehead has become longer (weird!) and my hairline has done that cut away thing at my temples (forehead and hairline must have had a fight!)
- I’m sure I can see some wispy bum fluff on (not IN, ON) my ears…dislike
- My hands are bigger, my feet are bigger, my neck is bigger, my chest has shrunk but my pecs have begun to peep out!
- Facial hair is underwhelming, my sideburns are an embarrassment and don’t even get me started on the luscious mustachio I’ve been cultivating…Boo. Hiss!
- Oh yeah…my ass crack is the furriest part of my entire body! I seriously have a pelt down there! I’m willing the fur to send their offspring to my face…hmmm the thought in my head sounded mucccchhhh more hygienic! Ewwww….
- Ummm….self obsessed about all things physical while simultaneously feeling *somewhat* patient…
When other guys and (mostly ex) partners of guys spoke to me about the emotional experience of transition I was both worried and confident. I felt that with my years and years of self-discovery and therapy, years of living a clean and sober life and my spiritual practice that I would breeze through the ups and downs of testosterone treatment…Um…I. Was. Wrong! Nothing could have prepared me for either side of the intense emotional spectrum I find myself living! I recognise that self-care is off upmost importance but the reality is that hormones can make you fucked up! Imagine a grunting, angsty, horny 14 year old boy in the body of a 32 year old who apparently has the ability to clearly and concisely communicate? War Zone! Run for cover people!
You guessed it! Another list.
- 8 weeks into transition I begun to speak about not feeling quite right, feeling troubled and a little off kilter. I changed to the full dose of Sustanon (250) and up until this point I was breezing through life without a care in the world. At 10 weeks I begun to behave in new and strange ways…sensitive much? Slightly irrational, a bit aggressive, impatient, wishing to be alone in a dark room. 12 weeks in, 3 months on T and my rollercoaster descended with such velocity it ran off it’s tracks, killed 20 people and exploded into flames! Imagine PMS x 10000000~…oh the Shock and Awe of an angsty, horrible Teddy! Hello people! I hate you all! Hello partner, love of my life, girl of my dreams…please stop breathing so loudly it’s making me want to cut you into pieces! Hello customers at my workplace, how may I be rude to you today! Hello employers, YOU SUCK! Hello stranger walking too slowly…I want to kick you in the back and glass you with a tequila bottle! Hello Teddy on T…I HATE YOU!!
- Ahem…Did I mention anxiety? Oh yeah, that old one! I’d never experienced anxiety before, and when I say ‘anxiety’ what I mean is a heavy, solid rock encrusted in spiky Kryptonite that plays death metal 24/7 lodged in my chest with the delightful additions of a boa constrictor around my neck and astro turf stuffed into my lungs. Ouch. Add some paranoia, social phobia, negativity and catastrophising anything and everything and talk about a vision for you!! Dream boat! Oooh what a catch! NOT!
- Anyway, so a visit to my friendly Endocrinologist identifies that my T levels are out of whack…colour me surprised! My cycle is adjusted from 14 days to 10 days with the hope that this will level me out…fail! Add to points two and three a splash of arrogance, moodiness, increased irritability and overall horror and you’ve got yourself a mixed up bear!
- Take 2 of visit to friendly Endocrinologist with trembling Teddy leaving with a script for wonder hormone Reandron (queue angelic harmonies!!)
I’m writing this epic tale, a week or so since my first shot of Reandron (it is a longer lasting, three monthly injection) and Hellllo Serenity! The nerves have all but disappeared, I’m smiling again, laughing even! Oh the joy of not needing to get up in the grill of some poor elderly lady who happened to dither into my tornado! Hooray that my love didn’t run away screaming! Celebrations that I found myself Doing Chores yesterday!
Here’s the thing! I can’t find much online that talks about the emotional turmoil that is Transition. Why is it that, as transmen, we find it so hard to talk about what is really going on inside our minds!! I speak from my own experience only, however, whenever I share honestly about what is happening for me at least 20 other dudes come running at me to shake my hand! This is important! It’s easy for me to push my feelings down now that my emotional process has changed, shortened, dulled significantly but it’s toxic! I am way more detached then ever before, I can’t cry, I observe life from a slightly different and distanced place and if I get too deeply into that space then I begin to deny and honour where I am at. Hormones do create a personality change, they’ve certainly changed the way I respond to life and it’s time we started sharing this stuff.
Ask a guy about transition and he’ll tell you all about his muscles, his voice, his hair…but where is the depth, the between the ears, the bits that affect our walk in the world!?
I know I am generalising greatly, I recognise that there are tonnes of transmen who go through their transition without any emotional turbulence at all and I definitely do not speak for transmen as a whole, but what I wanna hear is more men talking about their truth because I need to find some dudes to model myself on! I wanna be one of the good guys, the solid, honest, courageous men who appear to me to be a little thin on the ground. I want to be active in dismantling this stupid patriarchy and I begin by actively not perpetuating the image of Man that hurts, hunts, pushes it down and demolishes anything with a feeling.
Not this little bear thanks!
What a rant that turned into! If you’re still with me, let me say one more thing to finish. I wouldn’t change any of this for quids! I don’t regret my decision at all and I remain grateful to the Gods for allowing me to actively participate in the life I was always meant to live!
Blessings and stay tuned for the next installment of a Teddy…boy in the making! x